My place in the pack

To race tomorrow or not?  That is the question I'm facing right now.

I have been feeling very uncertain with my running the past few weeks.  I am feeling good physically and have tried to keep up with the work my PT had given me.   My pace is getting faster without feeling like I have to work for it, but my mind is still lagging behind.

I have said to myself, and out loud to others, that I feel like I have no business running the pace I am. Since I started running, I've been a back of the pack runner.  Not necessarily the *way* back, but the bottom third.  Now, my paces put me solidly into the mid-pack.  It's an odd place to be.  I feel like an impostor.  Like I'm one bad run away from being laughed back to the end of the line.  Clearly, that kind of thing doesn't happen.  But, I continually find myself saying things like, "I have no business running this pace", or "I'll try to hold that pace, but I don't know" (and then, by the way, blowing that pace out of the water) or "I'm slow".

There is a local 5K tomorrow morning that I want to do.  My training paces the past few weeks are about 30 seconds off my 5K PR pace.  If I'm running that on my regular 3 mile runs, could I hold a slightly faster pace in a race?  Two years ago when I hit all my PR's (after a season of track work with a coach), I wasn't running the pace I am now in training runs. What's the problem?

I'm scared.  I'm scared that I will go out tomorrow with a goal to PR and not make it.  I'm scared that I will go out tomorrow not attempting to PR and then come so close that I wish I had pushed harder.  I'm scared that I might realize that my pace the past few weeks is not a fluke and that I have all the business in the world standing solidly in the middle of the pack.

That's scary.  What if my place in the "pack" is changing?  I have to leave the safety of the "back of the pack" behind and step up.  Anyone who has run "back of the pack" knows--  we're pretty loyal and supportive of one another.  Is the same true mid-pack?  I don't know.  But, I guess I'm about to find out.  My Race, My Pace.